Test drive the car. I’m going to try on jeans. Taste the cheese. Want to know if we’re getting our money’s worth before the deal is signed? That’s why it makes sense for couples to consider cohabitation during the trial run of marriage. If it’s not for you, why spend a lot of money on a wedding and end up with a divorce?
This romantic “try before you buy” approach is relatively new in the United States.
Decades ago, living together was considered “living in sin.” In the 1970s, only about 500,000 couples did so. Today, an estimated 60-70 percent of couples share a home before marriage. This is a huge cultural shift.
You might think that aptitude for road tests would reduce the number of divorces. You might think that knowing how many cups of coffee your partner needs by noon could prevent future conflicts.
But the researchers found the opposite. Cohabiting couples tend to have higher divorce rates and lower marital satisfaction than non-cohabiting couples.
Why does this happen?
Risk of premarital and divorce
An important study published by the University of Denver (DU) in July 2009 sheds light on this trend. The researchers studied couples who had been married for less than 10 years. They asked about marital satisfaction and whether they had considered divorce.
The results are clear.
- 19% of couples who lived together before marriage have considered divorce.
- 12% of people* who moved after getting engaged said this.
- Only 10% of couples who shared a room after marriage have considered a divorce.
DU’s findings are consistent with other studies showing that those in cohabiting relationships have poor communication and problem-solving skills.
DU researcher Scott Stanley said these couples married for the wrong reasons. They don’t make informed decisions about commitment. Instead, they “slide” into marriage.
If you have a joint tenancy and share a dog, the roads can seem troublesome. It’s easier to stay than to leave.
Couples who live together after engagement seem to be immune to this “curse of marriage.” They made a conscious choice about their future. Those who move to “test” a relationship may already know deep down that it is not what it should be.
Values also have their own role. Highly religious people are less likely to live together. They are also less likely to consider divorce when things get tough. At the same time, women who live with multiple partners are twice as likely to divorce than women who have lived with their last husband once.
Regardless of how many times you’ve lived together in the past, it’s important to have a serious conversation with your partner. Make sure you’re both on the same page about what the change means. You don’t want to marry someone who only sees marriage as a way to save money on rent.
Domestic workforce differences
Married people tend to enjoy better health and wealth than single people. These benefits do not apply to cohabiting couples who do not have a marriage certificate. Paper is important. In fact, some studies show that couples have more satisfying sex lives when they feel legally bound.
But there are practical benefits for cohabiting women.
A 2007 study found that cohabiting boyfriends do more housework than married men.
This is a short-term advantage. When a wedding takes place, traditional gender roles often come back to the fore. Women do more housework. Tokens change the game.
Is it worth the risk? The data shows that signing a lease does not guarantee a smooth trip to the altar. This can change who does the laundry.
The Cohabitation Trap: Why Cohabitation Isn’t the Safety Net You Think It Is
You might think that moving in with your partner is the best test drive. I thought it was to see if her laundry habits were driving you crazy or if you can actually afford to pay the rent. It felt like a low-risk experiment before a high-risk venture.
But the data suggests otherwise.
Research shows that for many couples, living together before getting engaged does not indicate compatibility. It usually predicts lower marital satisfaction and higher divorce rates. “Trial marriage” is mostly a myth.
Swipe to decide
The problem is not living together. That’s why *.
Scott Stanley and colleagues at the University of Denver distinguished between two processes: sliding and decision making.
Decision is intentional. Please sit down. You’re talking about the future. You agree that cohabitation is a step towards cohabitation with the goal of marriage.
Sliding is inertia. I have no more space in my apartment. It’s Friday night. His position is closer. You pick up your toothbrush. We didn’t discuss the long-term effects. You just… slide into the next phase of the relationship. Because it’s the path of least resistance.
“Cohabitation… can be a source of instability in relationships when couples move into cohabitation without a conscious decision.”
“Inertia” effect
Why can sliding be harmful to a future marriage?
It creates inertia in the relationship. When you’re used to splitting a lease, combining bank accounts, and waking up next to someone every day, it’s hard to leave. The social and logistical costs of separation skyrocket.
This creates a phenomenon known as the cohabitation effect. Couples who live together “before engagement” tend to be less enthusiastic about the institution of marriage itself. They stayed together not because their relationship was deep, but because it was easier than breaking the knot.
Stanley’s research highlights how this kind of inertia can keep people in relationships that aren’t right for them. They may marry later in life and lose confidence in their marriage. The glory of purposeful selection is replaced by the weight of comfort.
Who will stay? Who’s going?
Not everyone who moves fails. But a pattern emerged in the data.
Serial cohabitation has a higher risk. If you live with more than one partner, your commitment threshold may change. There may be no possibility of marriage at all, or even if you are, you may have exclusivity issues.
Living together before getting engaged is the biggest red flag of a long term struggle. According to a study by the National Marriage Project, couples who move before discussing marriage have worse marriages. They see this arrangement as a default rather than a milestone.
Compare this to couples who live together after getting engaged. They have a clear endpoint in mind. Living together has a purpose. For example, planning a wedding, saving the house and testing logistics in a clear timeline. The satisfaction of this group was higher.
Gender differences in housework
Let’s talk about everyday chores. Can living together make you equal partners?
Usually not.
Gina Breiner reports that a study found that boyfriends do “more” housework than husbands. When you’re dating, there’s an element of performance. I want to impress people. You share the burden of maintaining harmony.
Once married, traditional roles reappear. The “trial” phase of living together can teach you how to really live together, but it can also reinforce unequal roles before you can say “I do.” If you’re not careful, you could end up in your marriage with a partnership that never existed.
Conclusion
Living together is not a bad thing. Millions of couples live happily ever after. But this is not a neutral act.
It changes the direction of your relationship. It brings inertia. The lines between “this is who I am” and “this happened because it was easy” can blur.
If you are considering moving, ask yourself this question. Are we on a slippery slope here or do we decide for ourselves?
If it’s the former, hit the brakes. Talk. Define what you want. please choose Don’t let convenience dictate the most important decisions in your life.
The difference between a strong marriage and a troubled one is often not compatibility. This is clarity.
